Epiphany
by LaraWinner
Summary: Inuyasha ponders his past and his feeling for the two women that have his heart. But can he find a painless path to take? *Warnings* language


DISCLAIMER: Sadly, I do not own Inuyasha. I'm just going to play with them for a while. *_*

Epiphany 

By: Lara Winner

I love you

I hate you

I can't get around you

I breathe you

I taste you

I can't live without you 

– Saliva 'Always'

Hanyou.

I hate the word. It sums with one breath everything that I am and everything I'll never be. Am I a demon? A human? No. I am neither and yet simultaneously I am something more inextricable, complex and powerful than both. It's no wonder there is no place I truly belong.

I would be lying if I said this existence was peachy fucking keen. Every day of my life is a battle to stay alive. I am hunted. A mix-breed mutt such as myself is an abomination. My father's people, the Youkai, resent my contamination. They can not stand that I am as much human as demon and it labels me an outcast. And it is even worse when dealing with my mother's people. Humans have little to no care about themselves much less each other, so I never expected to be welcome with open arms into their world. For a creature with the body and face of a human and the ears, teeth, claws and senses of a dog… it wasn't pretty. 

I had all but lost my faith in the human world. I watched what it did to my mother. They labeled her a whore, a demon lover. And for that she was exiled, forced to live with the shame of loving my father a bearing him a son. Though she would never have uttered the words I knew I was the burden she had to bare. I was the symbol of her guilt and sin. Because she loved me she bore her punishment with her head held high. I had never admired anyone more. 

Her death was my breaking point. She was all I had to keep the human side of me alive. But without her presence and love to guide me I fell into a rage. The need for vengeance consumed me. I was on a mission to become a full blooded youkai. And with the power of the demon I would defeat both humans and youkai alike. I would show them all that they made a grave mistake when they dared underestimate this particular hanyou. 

My plan was brilliant. It was fool proof. I had no fear and no conscious. And it was within my grasp, so close I could almost taste it. But there was one factor I never saw coming. The Miko Kikyo. She fucked everything up royally. I hadn't wanted to get close to Kikyo. At first it was a game. I felt compelled not to hurt her but the Shikon stone was in her possession and I was hell bent on getting a hold of it. 

The memory remains clear. We faced each other so many times, both striving to bring the other down, and yet with each encounter I realized that I was being driven by the need to see her rather than to seize the stone. Kikyo was the first to state these feelings verbally. The honest emotion she had for me once again brought me in oneness with my humanity. Kikyo was strong and brave and kind. I was a sucker and I fell for her, hard. 

I do believe Kikyo loved me. Conditionally, that is. Kikyo was a priestess, powerful and gifted. Her duty lay with her village. They would always come before me and I accepted that. I had nothing to offer her and I was disgustingly ashamed of that. I was in no position to make demands in this relationship and I think that was part of what attracted me to her. The bitch had balls and I loved her for it. 

But once again the nature of what I was interfered upon my delusional happiness. Kikyo's people would never accept what I was, me a hanyou orphan joining myself with a pure soul and a beloved spiritual leader such as Kikyo, ha! The outcome of our union was pure idiocy. And despite the passion she brought to life in me, I never completely forgot my hatred for humans and youkai alike. I should have seen the disaster that was bound to befall us in one form or another. 

I think its rather amusing now that I look back. Kikyo had the most absurd idea to solve our problems. She wanted me to become human. She wanted me to become another of her devoted kindred. Kikyo had a way with words, I'll give her that. She made it sound so noble. I could purify the stone with my wish and then there would be no shame hanging over our heads because I would then be the same as she. And she even dared say that if I loved her I would do it.

The sad thing is I would have done it. Had Naraku not extracted his vengeance upon us I would have giving up everything I was just to please Kikyo. But it was not meant to be. Fate, that damn fickle bastard, was not done playing with us yet and the course of events set in motion could not have been prevented. 

Naraku tricked Kikyo. He made her believe in her dying moments that I'd betrayed her in the most unforgivable way. The son-of-a-bitch used my image, made her believe it was me, and attacked her. I felt her distress. I heard her agonizing screams. I smelled her blood in the air. But when I got to her it was too late. The hate burning in her eyes stabbed me in the heart. In a flash I was crushed and defeated by my own emotions. But Kikyo's anger was great and using the last of her life's energy she shot the purifying arrow through my chest, pinning me to the tree and casting a spell over me, that I would sleep until she could return and claim her revenge. 

The spell was powerful. It knocked my ass out for fifty years. 

Enter Kagome.

When I awoke I was pissed. All I could see was her face filling my vision and only one thought was circling my mind. Kill Kikyo. They looked so much alike I didn't realize at first that this wench was smaller in build and quite a few years younger than Kikyo. I suppose she was lucky I didn't kill her then. There have been many occasions since that I have almost regretted it.

Almost, but not quite.

It's been nearly a year now that Kagome has been helping me find the Shikon shards. In this year the past has come back to hunt me more than I could ever dream. Kikyo will not leave me in peace. She roams this land, not living and not dead. She has come to me, wanting to make amends, wanting to take me to hell with her. And every time I see her I am blinded by the woman she once was and I feel myself reverting back into the love struck fool I had been and I hate myself for it yet I cannot stop. 

But Kikyo is not the center of my world anymore. What once was can not be now and thought it still hurts, I know this and I will put it behind me once I free her body to rest. I will not be free until I slaughter Naraku for his crime. 

Ironically enough I now find myself torn, caught in another dilemma of my own making. It all stems from what I feel for that little idiot Kagome. 

I'm watching her now, sitting on the grass as she cuddles Shippo in her lap while telling the annoying little runt a story. The setting sun is giving everything an orange over cast and I shift a little and lean back against the tree looking down on them from my lofty post. The moment is peaceful here in Kaede's yard and with nothing to occupy my attention I'm left to think of what I've been trying to avoid.

I've become attached to Kagome. The lie makes me growl in anger. Scratch that. I'm falling in love with Kagome. There is no point in playing dumb, not when I know better. And it's eating at me. I find myself wanting to get close to her. I miss her when she returns to her age claiming all those silly excuses about school and tests and her family and friends…

I'm jealous. As much as it pisses me off to say it, it's the truth. I'm only borrowing her and I can't help but feel that she doesn't want to be here. I shouldn't care. I should carry her to the well, toss her in and then destroy it so she can never come back. I don't want this and I don't want her and I wish I could kill her so she'll leave me alone.

I suppose Kikyo has gotten her revenge. Once again my soulmate is just beyond my reach.

And yet for being one in the same they are so different I can't think of them as the same person. Kikyo was mature and solemn, Kagome is playful and cheerful. Kikyo was persuasive and wise, Kagome is naive and painfully honest. Where Kikyo hid her heart behind a mask of indifference, Kagome is an open book of emotions and feelings. 

The wench has me intrigued.

But one thing still remains the same. Kagome will put her family and friends first. She will leave one day and not return. I cannot keep her here nor will I try. I will not even ask it of her. Once again I am not in the position to make demands or requests. 

So I have to try and keep her at a distance. I won't allow myself to need her any more than I already do. If I can get her out of my system then when she goes away it won't bother me. It won't kill me.

I'm not stupid. I know the girl cares about me. I saw the flash of hurt in her eyes when she witnessed Kikyo kiss me. I could smell her fear and worry when she thought Kikyo was going to drag me to hell with her. And I know ever since that moment she has been keeping me at a distance also.

It's not fair. Why couldn't Kagome have stolen my heart instead of Kikyo? Why must I loose them both? 

And if I could choose? 

Not so very long ago I would have given my life so Kikyo could live again. But now… I find myself thinking of Kagome constantly. I strain to hear the sound of her voice. I could wrap myself up in her sent. Right now I would give anything to be the one in her arms instead of Shippo. 

Don't think I would be so foolish as to ever say this out loud. Kagome will never know just how she effects me. But knowing it is just as dangerous. Every time we face a youkai I fear something will happen to Kagome. Every time Miroku gets within a foot of her I want to kill him. Every time Kagome smiles at me I feel the ice that surrounds my heart melt a little more and it takes everything in me to snap and growl at her and insult her till she retaliates and hurts me back.

It is a no win situation. If I destroy Naraku and survive Sessho-maru then the only option left is to carry out my original plan. I will become a full-blooded youkai. Hopefully then my heart will cease to be and I can wallow in the hate that tries to consume me. 

Perhaps then I can forget them both…

A.N.- Okay, I know it's lame and has been done a thousand times over but I just had to try my hand at an Inuyasha fic. I think Kagome and Inuyasha are so perfect for each other and I hope that idiot hanyou realizes that he loves her and not Kikyo when all is said and done and that jerk Naraku is dead. Let me know if its sucks. I have a couple ideas for more but I've only just started watching the anime so bare with me. Thanks for reading and hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas! *hugs* Luv ya guys!


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